On Saturday, June 21, 2008, at 5:55 PM, George Carlin died of heart failure after being admitted to a hospital for chest pains. He was 71 years old. But he's in a better place - stuck on somebody's roof.
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul is flung up onto the roof and gets stuck."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"
"Always do whatever's next."
"If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter."
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "
"Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds. [Stares at watch] There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lives in greater numbers."
"I think it's certainly apparent by now that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess... I like things that are excessive. I like excessive behavior, excessive language, excessive violence... it's fun. It's interesting. It's exciting. I like it when nature is excessive. That's why I like natural disasters. All these natural disasters that've been going on, I
love 'em. I can't get enough of them. Ah, when nature's going crazy, throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property, I'm a happy
guy. I'm a happy
guy. I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks 'em in the head and kicks 'em in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you have a part of you, a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? When you see a big fire on TV... don't you hope it spreads? Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? You don't root for the firemen do you? I mean I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but I don't want them to put out my fire. That's my fire - that's nature showing off and having fun. I like fires. You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! Aren't they great? Like clockwork, spring floods in the Midwest. Now I'm starting to notice... I'm starting to catch on, that every year... it's the same story. Another flood, in the same place, with the same people, on the same river- SAME
PEOPLE! And these people do not move, they will not
move! They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper and they move right back into the same
house on the flood plain, next to the river, and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream with the parakeet on her head! Fourth time, again, fourth
time. There's no learning curve with these people. It's very hard to feel sorry for them. Every year - same people, same rowboats! Out there paddling around... rescuing a chicken. What the
kind of a life is that? "Well our kids love it here...? Oh really, what do they got, gills? And while they're showing all that action on the screen, the announcer's saying to me "It's been raining steadily for three months now, the ground can't any more water... The river is cresting higher than it has it two centuries, the levees have washed away...? And I just hope it keeps raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and it rains steadily for five years... and then after that, for ten years it's cloudy. With occasional showers. And the river never returns to its natural banks! It becomes a completely new river, and the borders of three states have to be changed, and all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted... and no one's couch ever completely dries out. For years and years, every time they sit down there's always that little "Squish...? "Dan, Linda, come on in you guys, have a seat" - "Squish!" "Squish!" I like that. I'm an interesting guy. "
"That's it, I'm killing myself and Wal-Mart's paying for it!"
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R.I.P George. The world is a little less funny, and a little more full of stupidity. You were, are, and will always be a
genius. Whoever's roof your soul got stuck on, I hope they live on a flood plain. Then you can criticise the BS of humanity even in death.
And now, I can officially say there is nobody alive that shares my vast criticism of humanity or my vast joy in humanity's suffering from their own stupidity.
And it sucks!
[Edited for profanity. All
emoticons were originally some variant of the F word]
Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:26 pm
