Random Jokes^^

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

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i heard a joke from my buddy Ryan, i thot it was ok, what do you think?

So 8 friends went mountain climbing, 7 blondes and a brunette. Just as they got near the top of the mountain, one of the ropes snapped, and one of them had to let go or else all of them would fall to their demise. The brunette gave a touching speech about ow she would let go to save all of her friends. You know what the blondes did? They started clapping.

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What does W.I.F.E. stand for???

Washing

Ironing

F*cking

ETC...

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A Man Walks Into a Bar With A Monkey





This guy walks into this bar with his monkey and the bar tender says to him:

Bartender: Hey! No animals allowed in here.

Guy with Monkey: Oh don't worry he'll be good.

Bartender: Well ok but if there's any problems you and your monkey are out. So what will you have?

The guy asks for a beer and tells his monkey to sit down beside him. Everything goes well for the first few minutes until the monkey see two guys playing billiard. The monkey goes to the table and looks over the edge. Every time a ball goes by he grabs the ball and flings it across the table.

Billiard Guy: Hey man your monkey is wrecking our game. Guy with Monkey: Oh! I'm sorry he won't bug you again. Bartender: Hey I told you no problems or you're out.
Guy with Monkey: I'm sorry he'll be good. I'll just finish my beer and we'll leave.

Again after a few minutes of looking at the table the monkey goes back but this time when a ball goes by he grabs it and swallows it whole.

Billiard Guy: Hey Man!! Your dam monkey just ate our freaking ball.

Bartender: All right you and your monkey, get out!

Guy with Monkey: Ok, ok, we'll leave.

A few weeks go by and the guy comes back to the bar.

Bartender: Hey you with the monkey, last time you where here your monkey caused nothing but problems, I don't need you in here.

Guy with Monkey: Actually, you don't need to worry about the monkey he learned his lesson.

Bartender: All right, you two get one more chance but I'm keeping an eye on you. What will you have then?

The guy gets another beer and drinks it at the bar counter. Meanwhile the monkey just sits there waiting, being good. The bar tender keeps looking at the monkey to see what he's doing. After a few minutes the monkey looks at the bowl of peanuts, goes to it and grabs one peanut. He looks at it, takes it and shoves it up its butt, he takes it out again and plops it in its mouth and swallows it.

At seeing this, the bartender is completely grossed out.

Bartender: What the hell was that?

Guy with Monkey: Oh that. Yeah, since the last time we where here he now measures everything before he eats it.

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k, leave some if you wanna^^

FIVE SMART-ASS WINNING ANSWERS
The 5 winning smart ass answers of all time:

* Smart Ass Answer #5: *
* A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. *
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." *


* Smart Ass Answer #4: *
*
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" *
* The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." *
*
* Smar t Ass Answer #3: *
* * The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. *
* The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could" *
* When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. *

* Smart Ass Answer #2: *
* A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" *
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." *
*
* *
* AND THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF ALL TIME......... *
* *
* A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. *
* "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" *
* A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" *
* The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. *
* *
* When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."*
* I would like to add my own nominee!*
* *
*My Uncle Ray, working at Home Depot was approached by a rather confused looking woman. He asked if he could help her. She asked "Do you have little wooden balls?" To which Ray replied, "Who do I look like? Pinnochio?" His career at Home Depot ended that day!*
* *

Two Scottsmen are talking together...Think in terms of a Scottish brough...


"Angus, I hear you're goin' to NYC?"

"Aye' William! Should be a bonnie trip indeed!"

"Well now Angus, when you get there, go to 42nd. Street and find a hooker...when you find one, ask her for a 69."

"A 69? What's that?"

"Oh, don't you be wondering...trust me, you'll love it!"

"Okay William, I will indeed!"

Angus boards his flight to NYC. When he arrives at JFK Airport, he flags a taxi down and get's in.

"Where to Mac?"

"It's not Mac, It's Angus...take me to 42nd. St."

"Where on 42nd. St.?"

"I don't be knowin'...but I need to find a hooker!"

"Well, that won't be hard. Okay 42nd. St. it is!"
(He starts the meter and drives to Manhatten. They arrive at 42nd. st, and the driver starts pointing out the ladies on the corners.)

"Oooo! Take me to that one!" (Angus is pointing at a scantily clad young lady in Neon Pink leather. Angus pays the fair and aproaches the hooker)

"So honey...you lookin' for a good time? How much money ya' got?"

"Oh, money is no object...I wanta 69! I want a 69!"

"Okay sweetie, calm down! Follow me!"
(She takes him to a sleezy filthy motel, they pay for the room and go upstairs. They undress, and the hooker says)
"Okay sweetie...lay on the bed."

The hooker climbs ontop of him, tells him what to do then proceeds to down on him...after a few seconds, she accidentally passes some wicked nasty gas... right in his face.
Angus picks her up and throws her hard onto the floor. The hooker screams...

"HEY! YOU ASSHOLE! WHAT THE F@%$ DID YOU DO THAT FOR???!!!!"

Angus replies,
"Filthy wench!
Now, you don't be thinkin' I want to go through that 68 more times do ya'?"